I can't even finish being sad about one thing before the next thing hits. The guy I've been dating for a month... 2 days shy of a month... Was just shot and killed Sunday night... Monday morning. I might have been the last person he talked to on the phone... The last person he texted... The last person he went out to get food with... The last person he held in his arms.
My eyes are swollen from crying all Monday. My feet are heavy. He kept telling me all day "don't leave me" because I plan on moving... But I can't help but wonder if it was a plea for not leaving him that Sunday evening. He once told me not to tell him goodbye... I had told him goodbye on that phone that night... 20 mins before he was murdered... Was it a premonition? Or simply force of habit. Ugh... I replay the day/s over and over and over all Monday.
Today, I wake up in a bed that we just slept in together the night before the shooting to a call from my brother, "is dad home? He didn't come home last night and mom was looking for him this morning." I get up to check his room, the living room, the neighbors houses..... OF COURSE HE'S NOT THERE!
How do I process everything at once. I lay in bed another 15 mins... I just don't want to think right now. My brother is headed to Palmdale, my mom is at work... They act as if this is normal.
Im just getting back from looking for him... I can barely drive, my eyes are so tired. My soul is begging for relief. I didn't think it was possible to cry anymore than I already had... More tears. I can't drive right now, I pull over in the middle of the two lane highway. I need to head home.
None of this is/can be normal!
