So I've thought about writing about this numerous times...but out of sight, kinda out of mind a little bit right. Aside from the random calls from mom asking for help taking to the doctor or even calls from him (when his phone isn't broke).
I come home to a full house. My brother is home and in his room sleep, my dad greets me when I walk in the door asking if I've had a blessed day, pretty much making an assumption that's its been great because this is the day that God has made. My mom and my sister are in my moms room chatting.
My parents just moved in 3 weeks ago...
I wanted to write a post maybe a week ago, but somehow got distracted with other things that 30 somethings get distracted in from the daily happenings of life and responsibilities.
So I walk in the house from a full day of a 3.5 hour interview in downtown then heading to my freelance gig in Beverly hills after, to heading back to downtown for a friends birthday gathering; to overhear the conversation..."maybe he can move in with grandpa, there's plenty of grown men living there" for me to interject "you know he'll definitely be neglected there"!
Flashback to last Friday...I get a text from mom as I'm in class in Thousand Oaks "Dad is missing". Now this isn't the first time this is happened since they moved in. The week before he was lost again maybe found .8 miles away with my dog Xabi (Zah-Bee) looking like he is about to fall backward from walking for 3 hours. Only this time dad has been missing for 5 hours and the police has been called. There is a slight debate in my mind about whether I should leave class and drive home...mom sounds calm and in her natural demeanor as if this is a natural occurrence. Even if it's only for a split second, I kind of regret the thought, but my thought is, we'll find him...we always do, he'll be okay. (Once we thought we lost him in the city of New York when my family came to visit for my graduation from graduate school at NYU, only to find dad in the same movie theater but different movie that we were already in.). Nevertheless I leave after a minute of thought to head out to help mom and my bro look for dad. I get home an hour later, ask where they've looked, go in and change out of my business attire and get ready to head out to search when the police tell me they believe they've found someone who fits the description of my dad....HUGE sigh of relief! (I knew they'd find him, I could feel it in my soul)
Why has it become so natural to say the things that we say? Why is it so easy to think "we'll find him" and not panic?
My dad has Multiple Sclerosis.
He's had the ailment for the past 15 years or so.
After my sister left my house, as my mom and dad had a slight tiff about him placing his urine soaked (and I don't know what other smells permeate the fabric) outside...I felt a sense of despair. Not only for my mom, or my dad, but our family in general. How much longer can we keep this up? How can we keep going through this?
Now I am not writing this for sympathy or people to cry out poor you. I am writing this to aid myself as a sense of relief from the day to day.
I work on remaining as positive as possible, looking on the bright side of things. We could definitely be worse off, we could be living in the streets, I couldn't have a father, he could be confined to a wheelchair, or even gone by now...alas, he is still alive, can still walk on his own two feet (even if it's only for a certain amount of time), and can remember almost everything, for the most part. Sometimes though, it's tough...the tears well up in my eyes as I get to this point in the post. I sit and wonder at times...how did he get to this point? Is there a better way to "cure" himself? How does anyone get to this point in life? How does he continue to sit here day in and day out watching TV, walking the blocks, and laying around all day? I mean sometimes I can answer these questions, but EVERY SINGLE DAY?!?! It pains me to look in his eyes and see the pain, the regret, the lost hope, the sickness. To see my mom who was once so full of life, stressed, strained, unexcited about life, the energy and soulfulness continually being sucked out of her. Again, how do you get to this point in life? Like what has to occur, what has he done, what path has he taken, what path has she taken, what path am I taking to wind up in this, this world, this realm of being?!?!
So I work on myself daily...I work on being strong for me, for my family. They say you are what you think about most, and your thoughts manifest reality, so I work on my thoughts, and project as much of the positive and success and abundance and so many other things as possible...and then I get to points like this and I can't help but slump over and drop my head and think sorrowful thoughts, and I can't help but wonder if I'm contributing to the ailment and to the perpetual cycle of the world that we are all currently living in. And is it okay for me to feel this way, or is it wrong, and then it's like why can't I feel down sometimes, I can't always be up (or can I), because what is this creating for myself and my life? Is it really this complicated or am I over thinking things? My words are also powerful, so by writing this am I again contributing to the condition that we are in. Ugh...>!!>!>!
My head in my palms...I can't do much more than exhale. Not knowing what to do next...
show me the way...I'm listening
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