Xabi Alexander where are you?

Today marks a week since my fat baby has been gone...I haven't been able to do anything...I'm so resigned and cynical about life right now.  Who would have known I'd be so sad about it.  It's so funny, it's like people ask you "how are you?" It's such a natural way to enter into conversation, but no one really cares about the answer it seems, they just get an answer and move so quickly on to the next thing, I'm even guilty of it myself.  What do you say to someone who says I'm sad, or do people even really care?  I had someone who I've recently met in the last month call me up and ask how I was doing, this is last Friday, I told her "I've seen better days" and she immediately moves on to the next subject.  I mean why even ask?!  I mean I don't want to dwell or get into this whole sob story of it all, but I was terribly upset that day.

Then I think about what else I can do, and I post fliers and look and go to the pound and ask people on the street if they've seen Xabi. I post on Craigslist and Petharbor and on Facebook ...nothing.  I got a call from a lady who saw my flier and she told me not to give up hope and suggested the Facebook page to me.  I got a call from someone two days ago who said they saw someone that looked like Xabi on the streets on Friday.  One woman even told me her friends lost dog was found 52 days later...I'm on day 7. Still nothing.

You know the phrase they say "you know who your true friends are" One of my true friends is Jenn!  She lives in Chicago called me immediately when she saw my post and started calling fire stations and such for me all the way out there, she alerted all her friends out in LA and checks in with me to see how things are.  I appreciate and love her!  Another friend Audrey took me to lunch all the way from San Diego...granted she was already supposed to be up here...but nonetheless she still took the time to visit with me. There are others who shared my post and called me and I appreciate that.

I mean my entire routine is thrown off...I haven't wrote in my gratitude journal, I haven't been doing my daily affirmations, haven't been to the office...I'm simply down trodden.  I don't think people understand how I am really feeling...I'm sure others have felt this way..I'm sure it will soon fade away with time, hopefully it will be because I found Xabi. My dad is upset and was crying about losing Xabi.  I've done some work and got to the office, life does go on, but all I want to do is crawl into a ball and play candy crush and zone out or something.  I just wish I knew something, is he alive, is he in a warm home, has he eaten?? Praying my fat baby is okay.

I pass by his crate and he's not there...I fall asleep and I don't hear him snoring...I don't have to leave time to walk him and give him food before I leave...his bowl is just sitting there empty, his bag of food limp. I pass by his toys and they're lifeless...I look in the backyard and he's not back there running around or chewing his rawhide...theres less shed hair on my socks...theres no one following me from room to room all day...sigh

I wonder how I brought this about into my life...what does it all mean?  What thoughts was I thinking to create this?  Why would I want to create this turmoil?  What's the lesson in all of this?  Is there a bright side? Ugh

My mom says shes going to give me money to get a new dog...but what about my fat baby...what about him?!  I haven't necessarily lost hope...but it's hard when you just have no news.  Somehow I wasn't as worried about my dad...I knew he would show up, I just knew it deep down in my soul.  But Xabs was another story...I would visualize coming home from looking for them and find Xabi sitting at the front door after finding his own way home, alas it was my dad who found his way home and was sitting on the front porch when I got home.  It's a great thing my dad made it after being gone 30 hours...seems like he didn't even have a sense that he was even lost.  But it's a sad thing about Xabi.

I don't even know what to do with my life right now...I just need my fat baby back!!!!

He found his way home

DAD MADE IT BACK...still no Xabi :'(

MISSING!!! (Dads back, no Xabi)

If anyone is reading this...please share!

don't blink...

It's amazing how things can change in an instant...three days ago I was enjoying in n out and yogurtland with my dad. This morning I was repeating our daily routine telling him not to over feed the dog, not to dig in the trash, not to get lost...and what did he go and do?!?!?  And he took Xabi with him...

this is the longest he's been lost; it's been over 12 hours now.  It's cold, all he had on was a light sweater, xabi had no sweater. Mom and I just got back from looking for two hours.  How do you find someone in the dark, in the city of LA?

If anyone is listening out there, and has answers...I'd love to hear them!!!!!

Mind you, my phone is still broke.

I was just reading earlier at the office the interview with Willow and Jaden Smith and they talk about the construct of time and how we can control it.  Time was and is definitely creeping by as slow as can be in this moment in my universe.

Pray for us (my family)

With the sincerest gratitude


UPDATE!!!!
He's back!

Newsflash

we were doing sooooo well. He's lost now...I left at 10am to head to the office, he was still here.  My sister calls my at 12:30pm, shes at my house, "Dad's gone! The back gate is wide open and so is the front door"  She says she has to go, so I immediately call my brother to see what time he gets off or if he was in the area.  I get my stuff together and leave the office.

I get home around 1:18pm.  How come I can never remember what dad is wearing?! I drive around to his favorite spots, the park, the spots he was found before...nothing.  I call the police, call my mom.  My mom says to check a house around the corner where they also have french bulldogs...B T Dubs (by the way. a 7 year old taught me to say it that way) Xabi is missing too.  Did dad take him for a walk? Did dad try to take him to the backyard and he ran out? Nobody knows.

I don't find him, I come back home.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I should be doing work as these are my last 3 days at this gig.  I don't know if I should go out looking.  I asked the operator when I called the police what I should do, to which she responds "whatever makes you feel safe?"  Now what kind of response is that?  Whatever makes me feel safe...did she learn that in training?  Is that the script she sees in front of her? WTH does that mean?  I wash the dishes, and eat my leftover gyro from lunch yesterday.  I actually pick it apart because the pita is soggy.  I ate my leftover yogurtland and then the po po comes.

At first it felt like an interrogation, or maybe thats what I projected on them...so many questions.  Then I felt as more cars began arriving them feel more sympathy.  I recounted the other times he got lost, Dez comes home doesn't find him.  They ask for a recent pics..the most recent pics I have are on facebook so I pull one up.  Mom comes home, she has a good pic.  They take some pics to send out to the squad. What was he wearing, would he go to a bar, what are his habits, has he ever been fingerprinted...so many questions.

I talk to the neighbors across the street, one is upset because he didn't know he was developing dementia, she says she would have kept a closer eye on him.  The others tell me they always see him walking and tell him to go back home.

On another note I dropped my phone while talking to the neighbors...the screen cracks...the police have my number, I can't answer it, I must go get it fixed!!!

He's still missing!!!!

to be continued...

I can get frustrated sometimes

So I know the title of my post, but I want to start off with a positive note. Again I'm happy to report that we've gone two weeks with no missing dad! I start off my morning routine telling him like 5 things now: don't get lost, don't over feed the dog, don't dump the trash, don't use the ice maker, etc etc. some stuff is sticking into his subconscious!

Nevertheless there are some rough moments. Sometimes I just don't know if he's really there or not. Like last Friday night we had a really good talk, we chatted about my day his day etc. Every now and then when stuff piles up it becomes too much. Maybe I should have been blogging more so I wouldn't have blown up. Now my blow up was more emotional on the inside, on the outside I felt as though I remained very calm. Dad spilled juice on the floor, lied about it, and yelled at me because mom didn't take him to the movies when she got home from work...and called us (mom and I) liars. It makes me think about something I heard about how our emotions never grow up and we revert back to a 2 year old very quickly.  That made me calm down a bit...but I was just tired and I had to now clean this juice off the floor and it splashed on cabinets...it can be frustrating...it sometimes feels like nothing stays clean.  Does anyone else experience this?  Anyway, my solution is my Christmas gift to myself...all I want is one of those robotic mop/vacuum things. I wonder if they work...I looked at some vids online, but it still somehow makes me feel like the floor might not get that clean. All I think about it that old commercial "roomba roomba"...everytime I see a dirty floor now I sing that lil jingle.

That's my rant for tonight.

Roomba roomba

Success, baby steps

We had a successful week last week in terms of no lost dad!!! Woooooooo whoooo jump for joy! Everytime I leave the house I make sure to remind him to only walk to the corner of the street and back and to leave the kitchen trash alone. So far so good!

I had an interesting convo with my mom this weekend as far as her feelings about my dad. We woke up Saturday to my dad wetting hisself and some urination on the floor. So I mopped it up, no worries, no stress no strain...I had to leave to go to my office so my bro said he'd finish cleaning up. As my mom and I drove home after going to the office, she said everytime that kind of thing happens she feels bad for my brother and I. So I asked her what was he feeling bad going to solve? She said nothing but she stills feels bad. So I explained how I felt about the situation and I didn't need her to feel bad for me. I asked how could we transform the disempowering feeling? And suggested that instead maybe when she felt that way she could think about how she doesn't have to do all the work like she used to and she has Dez and I to help her which takes the strain from 1 and divides it into 3! So I'm going to keep encouraging her to transform that mindset so that she doesn't create a sickness in her self.

Also my mom is working on getting his paperwork together so he can get his adult day care paid for. Come on state...approve this and get your butt in gear!!!

Hip hip hooray for mobile technology!

I am happy to report that my dad's new cell phone has finally arrived and has been activated. Somehow his phone always breaks or can't charge...this is his 3 phone I believe.  I'm thankful that this time he has unlimited minutes for free! My mom knows how to work out the deals ;) Funny thing is is that his phone came in the mail and we needed to wait for a letter with the proper activation code. A week goes by...nothing. While my dad was in the hospital last week, my mom took all his sheets and clothes to wash them, while gathering socks and other items under the futon he sleeps on she finds the envelope that we needed to activate the phone. He says his mail is addressed to him, so he gathers it and forgets about it and never opens it. Long story short the phone is working!!!

My mom programmed all of our numbers in his phone. I've been reminding my dad daily not to go out walking to get lost and to only stay on my block...so far so good for this week! (although he did walk across a major street yesterday to vote a couple blocks away, he did tell my bro where he was going...doing his civic duty!)  My dad is a very social creature...he loves to meet and talk to new people...so the phone is crucial! Especially if I tell him not to walk too far, there might not be anyone on the block for him to talk to, possibly causing him to venture further. So when my dad's phone is working he calls me at least once a day. He has called me the past three days! I remember once he probably called me like 7 times...but I don't mind, especially today, because I know he is safe or if he is lost he can tell me where he is. I find it very interesting that out of everyone's number...my mom and bros have changed...he remembers mine even without it programmed in his phone.

My mom was also talking about ordering his GPS watch sometime this week...we can thank mobile technology again!

Hopefully sometime soon he'll get accepted into an adult day care so he can meet new friends.

Tonight I've been doing a lot of mind work and was listening to The secrets of vibration , and I'm curious about the frequency of 528 and the possibilities of the healing affects it could have with my dad.  He is currently laying on the living room floor because my younger brother kicked him out for not putting on his depends, and even after asking me to get him a pair still continued to lay on the floor instead of the futon. I attempted to get him up, he insisted that he was comfortable, so I got him my sleeping bag and his pillow. My fat baby (Xabi) laid next to him, so at least he had warmth and company.

Dad gets up about 5 times a night anyway to eat, rummage, and use the restroom; I'm sure he'll make his way to the futon eventually. It's a curious thing how that ego and the mind works.

Grateful for another day!

Ps. Another story I forgot to mention, but now I don't want to write too much on it, this morning as I was leaving for work I noticed the trash bag in the kitchen can in disarray. For some reason dad likes to take out the trash, but what he does is empty the bag into the the larger can and place the old bag back in the kitchen can. I had to ask him not to do that as I left once again. So now I'll be reminding him daily to only walk the block and also to leave the kitchen trash alone.

Revelations

So I'm excited...I've been listening to this YouTube channel YouAreCreators and you know how YouTube will recommend similar videos and I happened upon (or did I) a video with Oprah chatting with Jill Bolte Taylor . The video was so inspiring and you know how when you listen to something or read something if it interests you you look for the agreement or how it applies to your life right?! As I'm listening to this maybe 90 minute interview I immediately begin connecting the dots with my dad and his ailment and Jill who had a stroke and how her state of being and brain were transformed because of it. And now I'm curious and wondering what his being and state of mind is. So I immediately ordered her book on Amazon called My Stroke of Insight in hopes that it will give me more insight on what's going on with him.

The video also drew me into my purpose and this entire situation of my parents moving in with me and the questioning of my dad having this ailment and what it means to me and why I'm attracting this. Obviously there's something I must learn out of this situation, but what is it? It draws me to my family and even myself and how we can become frustrated at times with the things he does, but then it makes me curious as to why he gets along with me so well and I can be patient with him (most of the time). So I'm feeling as though my path in this is starting to be revealed more as I begin to make these discoveries. What is my tone with him? What is my body language? Is he understanding me? And a lot of this can lend itself to other things in life. Then I feel as though another part of my purpose is to help my family in understanding his plight and to aid everyone in their patience, understanding, love, gratitude as I get closer and closer to those feelings and emotions so will they. These are the things going through my mind.  And Jill's whole journey was getting to this place of nirvana or "Inner Peace." I'm excited to continue to work towards my own inner peace and finding that nirvana and learning how to continually live in the NOW. The key here she says is to "Pay attention to your thoughts." A lot of the books and videos I've read speak to that and I'm always working on my thoughts and words...and now more so my emotions and feelings that also play a role in those thoughts. Now I'm always wondering how did I attract the things or situation I have around me, and working on being able to control that for the good of all!

Okay, I can keep going on forever ...I should really get to bed. Ready to close my eyes...more to come!!!